Archive for the ‘peace’ Tag

The Intruder   1 comment

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He’s always been there.  As long as I can remember, I could feel him.  His overshadowing presence was familiar even in the womb.  As God was knitting me together, in all wonder, he was still there.  Those around me invited him, and I welcomed the familiarity.  His services served me well, or so I thought.  I was always prepared for the worst, and when it came I was ready.   Fear.  There were times he would turn on me, taunting me, tormenting me.  I would cry out for my Daddy God to tell him to leave me alone, and he always did . . . until the knock on the door came, and I was convinced that a little worry couldn’t hurt, and I opened the door.

The what ifs, the incessant planning, all quality time spent with this life long friend with terrible motives.  Nightmares, self-protection, control . . . all unwelcome gifts from him.  When life looked like the nightmares, it reiterated my need for his presence.  So I could be prepared, ready.  As I grew, his schemes became more obvious.  I learned I could live without him. I kicked him out of my life.  There were ways he had trained me:  Over-planning, incessant control, worry, all the worry, having to know everything I could about every situation to prevent any surprises.  Slowly, those things dropped away.

Then it happened.  Something I never imagined, something I wasn’t prepared for.  A hurt that wounded me in a way that I’ve never felt before.   A loneliness I wasn’t prepared for.  He came knocking, my narcissistic friend.  My Daddy God was enough for me, yet, for some reason, this familiar friend seemed so welcome.  So familiar.  The occasional indulgence wouldn’t hurt, but one visit and he was leaving his toothbrush in my bathroom.   Like an angry lover, abusive mate, I couldn’t satisfy him.  The incessant worry, the inability to silence his voice.  The nagging, perpetual, unrelenting.  Yet, so familiar.  He’ll always keep me prepared, protected, and in my place.  I didn’t realize that this is how I used him.  But it was a high price to pay.  Interfering with new experiences, new friendships, new challenges.

One greater than him wouldn’t stand it.  My Daddy God, who never left me,  would not tolerate such abuse. He had always been a greater friend than this other that hid in shadows.  His love made him disappear.  Yet when I lost sight of my Daddy’s love for me, there he was lurking.  And I tolerated him.  He wasn’t invited, but I didn’t fight to push him out the door.

One night strangled by the death grip of fear . . . fear of failure . . . fear of rejection . . . fear of not being enough or doing enough . . . fear of losing . . . fear of disappointing . . . I had enough.  Kicked out, clothes on the lawn, locks changed.  ENOUGH.  I thought that would be it . . . yet then came the knock.  I refused.  Not a worry, not a single replay of past situations or contemplation of threats to come.  So it grew louder.  Now on the windows, clanging.  Like a protagonist that was defeated, yet only to rise again when you aren’t looking . . . needing a final blow of determination.

All noise.  No power.  He was defeated two thousand years ago.  His power was always limited by the love of a real God that had been welcomed into my heart so many years ago.  God’s love so real, casting out fear. I’m not sure why worry is such temptation.  There are certainly more enjoyable addictions to have.  Yet it served it’s purpose as an addiction.  I may always have to battle the temptation to give in to fear, to a certain extent.  Right now, I have my 3 day chip.  Worry, control and excessive planning are old habits . . . habits being broken.  But if I fail, I don’t need to fear.  God’s grace has already covered the moments that are shadowed by doubt.  And my belief in His love for me is stronger than any doubt in my ability or worthiness.

2 Timothy 1:7  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

1 John 4:18  “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

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I would love to hear from you!  Have you struggled with fear, worry or doubt?   Have you overcome it, if so, how?  How do you handle it when fear pushes it’s way in?  I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences and say a prayer for you!

photo courtesy of http://widehdwalls.com

Posted June 24, 2015 by canadianmeesh in Uncategorized

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